Like sneaky witches from the wilds, Bioware announced today that Dragon Age III has been in the works for almost two years and is being built on a customized version of the Frostbite 2 engine (see: pretty). While details about DA III are almost non existent, we quickly came up with some things that we’d love to see from one of our favorite franchises. Behold a list!
Return to your motorcycle-riding, filthy-mouthed pimp roots as a leather-clad biker chick with a score to settle in Motorcycle Mayhem Mamas Fifteen. Overcome everything and everyone in your path, and drive deep into a rich story with better graphics and gameplay than ever before.
I was delighted to find an advance copy of Motorcycle Mayhem Mamas Fifteen (MMMXV for the uninitiated) in my mailbox recently. I had not recalled signing up for the press list, but I did drunkenly tell the EP of Vagina Games that I was a huge fan of the MMM franchise, and loved big pimpin’ in general, at their last big con party. I also vaguely remember pressing my business card into her hand before vomiting, and making it rain, into a planter.
I immediately cancelled my plans for the week and settled myself in front of my 360, for the 50+ hours of pure, open-world adrenaline. A raw, estrogen-filled adventure awaited me, and I was not going to miss a minute of it.
I have to hand it to Vagina Games. Their graphics and gameplay have evolved to a point where I truly feel like I’m in the fictional Det-Rot City (maps faithfully based off of Detroit, MI) with its burnt out buildings and street-corner crime. The motorcycle selection has nearly doubled from MMMXIV, notably including the Chopper-Copter (a badass motorcycle/helicopter combo) and the Moto-Mac (a motorcycle/mack truck combo you have to see to truly wrap your brain around.)
You play as Daughter Slaughter, an angry drug lord whose army has just been stolen out from under her by Bonita Lopez, a ruthless beauty queen from south of the border. She killed your best friend and stole your entire business, and now you’re out for revenge and a little joyriding along the way.
The usual suspects are all there: your favorite prostitutes and strippers populate most of the environments and these guys are, as you have come to expect, hung. I can only imagine the weeks of work that went into designing the different styles and sizes of banana hammocks for the Bro-Hos, but I still usually play with the full-nude setting enabled, so I’m sure I only experienced a fraction of the variety.
A favorite achievement “Gingerdead” actually unlocks a motorcycle-jetpack by killing all of the red-headed hookers in the game. Note: This is even harder than it sounds. Some of those dudes are really hiding. It’s like they know people don’t like them or something. I have a friend who’s currently working on a spoiler map for this cheevo – the jetpack is really sweet – so check back in a few days for that link.
The vehicle handling is the caliber we have come to expect from MMM, but it’s clear that they put a lot of extra work into the combat. The effort is on full display during hand-to-hand fights as you can now actually pinpoint punches to small sections of the body and watch bruises come to the surface in real-time on your Bro-Hos. It’s attention to details like these that boosts the reality of this game head and shoulders above its contemporaries.
For the most part, the weapons are general run-of-the-mill, futuristic machine guns and grenades. If you complete a side quest to own all of the strip clubs in the greater Det-Rot area, however, you unlock the Dong Gun, which you can actually model after any male in the game, and let’s be honest, it’s always more fun to shoot things with a familiar phallus.
The driving and fighting are truly a joy, but ultimately, it’s the story that will keep you interested. You’ll have to figure out how to recruit at least fifty-percent of the Bro-Hos into your army, and then you’ll all travel down south to face your nemesis, Bonita. I won’t tell you what happens in the final battle, but just be prepared for a lot of dismembered members flying all over. It’s okay, though, the man meat is just bloody fodder for one of the most satisfying boss fights in recent memory.
Our reviewer rating: 12 stars out of 10* (editor’s note: Clearly our guest writer forgets that the rating system on Nerd Appropriate is entirely arbitrary and this would more appropriately be rated 7 Centuars out of 6)
*+2 for the extra effort put into banana-hammock design